Anything but that, Love.

Yesterday, the mind played a game with my heart.  Standing in what would have been his favorite isle of the grocery store, I found myself reaching for a familiar treat.  I could see him in my mind’s eye, excited by my return with the little nuggets of sensory pleasure.

He would do anything for a treat, even exercise.  His peaceful sit ins could never outlast the temptation of a T-R-E-A-T so I’d dangle a baby carrot in front of him and soon we’d be walking in the rain.

Something within me thought, “If I buy these treats he’ll be there when I get home.”  The rational mind argued, “He’s gone.  He’s never coming back.”  “But… he could never resist these… he’ll have no choice.” There I stood, in the purgatory of knowing and wishing. “He would do anything for a treat.”  “Anything but that, Love.”

God, I miss him.

Grief is a strange, non-linear beast.  The “five stages” don’t necessarily happen in order, or even only once.  Today I found myself looping back to denial, though I thought I had already moved through acceptance.  Glad I’ll be connecting with my friend Georgena Eggleston today.  She’s not only a dear friend, but a gifted Grief Practitioner.

We all experience loss somewhere along the journey.  When you find yourself there, maybe you’ll think of my friend, Georgena… and my grief will have been able to somehow serve you both.

We experience. We share. We connect. And in doing so, we heal.


Manny the Pug

5 thoughts on “Anything but that, Love.

  1. Yes I can relate. I am finding my experience of grief softening and gentling. There is less frequency and severity in the quality of pain. Time and willingness to have what we are having helps much, not to mention our dearest friends and loved ones with their compassion … Yet at times … Last week I was struck out of left field by a wave that was reminiscent of the first weeks after I had lost Kari. I wasn’t surprised but I was startled and bewildered.

    Grief is strange and how wonderful that we have the capacity, sanity and support to be in it!

    Thank you for sharing this so much!

  2. joywithgeorgena5

    Grief is strange, like a tsunami or a gentle butterfly triggered by that thought of carrot T-R-E-A-T. It is our willing presence that allows us to feel it as REAL in the moment. To our courage, openness and support as we move from Grief to Joy and back again!!

    1. Indeed. It takes courage to be fully present with loss. What I am coming to understand is that the feeling of “loss” is really Love expressing Itself to and through me. It is a reminder of just how much Joy that little guy brought to my Life. And when I let myself feel the loss and what it’s really about, I can move through it into the feeling of Gratitude that I ever got to know him at all… and there is Joy in that realization. Thank you, Georgena.

  3. Thinking of Manny, I just returned to this page. Here it is, two and a half years later. Sometimes, I still miss him so much my heart hurts, or I feel anger arise about his young death. And occasionally I cry for a moment, but then I breathe into it and FEEL whatever is coming up, I make a sound… like toning when I’m able, or I might sing in my whaling voice.

    And… MOST OF THE TIME… when I think of him, I just feel gratitude for his having ever been here and part of my Life. =)

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