One of my yoga teachers recently asked, “How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?” I took a deep breath and felt the question resonate throughout my being. I didn’t know the answer. I suspect I will spend the rest of my life, and beyond, finding out.
Today brought a realization and discovery of a deeply buried pattern in my Life. Having seen it, I know I am moving beyond it, because awareness is curative.
This is my first post in over a week. I’ve been hiding; I think it’s because I’ve been feeling compromised in my health. What started as a runny nose, grew into a bronchial infection, and moved to my lungs. I felt weak, vulnerable, and contagious. So I hid away, and stopped practicing yoga at the studio. My yoga was in practicing getting air past inflamed bronchial tubes and into my lungs. It was laborsome work, which I am grateful to report has significantly lightened.
This is an old, familiar pattern of symptoms that originated in my childhood, which was heavily colored by “sickness.” We did not know about food allergies and the importance of living foods. Vegetarianism was considered down-right weird and somewhat un-American in Texas.
Since embarking on a conscious path to wellness, I thought I had moved beyond this kind of physical manifestation of gunk. But it turns out, revisiting the gunk has been a very important part of the healing process.
I asked my Higher Power, “How did this happen? “How did I get ‘sick?’ Why did I go down this path?” I expressed righteous indignation, and even felt angry that I could feel so lousy after working so diligently to obtain optimum health.
Today, I got the answer. It played in my mind like a silent movie montage. There were no words in my revelation, but a clear understanding of how powerful the ties to our past experiences can be, and how they continue to manifest in our lives until we heal the old wounds. I realized a clear pattern, which I believe led to the ick-speriance of the previous week.
The day I began to feel symptoms, over a week ago, was the day I shared with my Rolf si practitioner, Terri, that I had a recent experience, which left me feeling emotionally unsafe. It was hard for me to admit the depth of what I was feeling.
A stranger had discovered me on the Internet, and had become oddly infatuated, sending inappropriately intimate emails. I admit that I felt “creeped out” by it, but more than that, I questioned my safety.
On an intellectual level, I knew that, “I am safe.” But on an emotional level, I felt a familiar vulnerability, first experienced in childhood. Having walked through the desert of sexual victimization at a young age, I was now being triggered in my muscle memory.
I shared my feelings with Terri just before our Rolf si session, which turned out to be an amazing body transforming experience. My chest felt more open and expansive afterward, which you might have read in my last blog post.
Heart opening practices like camel posture in yoga, and Rolf si work, are miracles. I expected that they would connect me with feelings of Love and Acceptance. But I hadn’t considered that opening my chest and heart chakra would expose parts of my being I thought I had been protecting for years.
I began slumping and hunching my shoulders at a young age, in an attempt to hide from danger. I believe the Asthma developed because I was carrying a huge secret “on my chest.” Most of the “illnesses” of my childhood were located near my heart, which I felt had been broken.
The infection of this past week felt so similar to those of my youth. It settled in the same place I spent so much time struggling with from my earliest memories.
My first reaction to the strange emails was energetically aligned with feelings from the past, and I believe my body reacted accordingly.
Wow. I am in awe of the complexities of the human psyche; in awe of the Grace, which brings moments of clarity and illumination.
I’ve heard it said, “You’ve got to feel it to heal it.” Today, I felt it.
There is a part of each of us, which is untouchable by anything we experience in Life. This is the place inhabited by pure Spirit. This is the place, in which dwells, “ Peace which passes all understanding.”
I surrender to that which is moving through me. I bless it, and know that it came to teach me something important about myself. It will leave at exactly the right moment. For now, I am practicing the art of doing nothing. In truth, up till now, I haven’t been very good at doing nothing. But I’m learning in small baby steps, and healing a little more with each step I take down the rabbit hole of self discovery.