This morning I embarked on a new chapter on my personal journey of transformation and wellness. I witnessed fear, stepped through it, and began my Bikram Yoga practice at The Cell Rejuvenation Center in Portland, OR.
It has been quite a day of body-mind awareness. During the class, I experienced a wide range of thoughts and sensations. I watched myself move through fear, surrender, gratitude, nausea, dizziness, strength, judgment, and acceptance of where I am right now.
It is humbling to need to lie down during class to avoid vomiting. Sorry to be graphic, but at one point, I thought, “I feel like I’m going to throw up if I don’t lie down.” So I did, and was so grateful to be able to honor myself, and just be where I was today, knowing that every day of practice is different, and that as I continue to build strength and flexibility, my connection will deepen. That’s what “practice” is all about… our own journey, not to be compared to anyone else’s experience, not even our own from day to day, since each day of yoga is new and different.
It takes some time to get used to working so hard after over a year of “taking it easy” from exercise. I mean, I’ve been fairly active, but not really pushing myself to go beyond my growing edge.
Why? Fear, if I’m honest. I’ve been holding back from my own personal growth to keep my homeostasis in tact. I’ve gotten comfortable with where I’ve been. Growing beyond our homeostasis is scary. It means we might change. And if that happens, what becomes of who we have been?
We stand on the foundation we’ve built, keep what serves us, thank the lessons, and let what is no longer serving us go. Easier said than done.
There is no hiding in yoga. Whatever we’ve been holding onto shows up on the mat. Opening the body, means opening to new possibilities. Today, when I knew it was time for Camel posture, I felt myself clenching. Camel has been my biggest challenge, my growing edge. It’s when I feel most vulnerable. The heart is open, and all is exposed.
Today, it was all I could do to begin the posture. I almost immediately felt nauseous, and before I knew it I was lying flat on my back, breathing to calm the nausea. That’s when I felt a tear roll down my face.
There it was… the thing I had been avoiding by avoiding yoga. Opening the heart means letting go. Letting go means healing, and we have to “feel it to heal it.” Today, I felt it. Boy did I feel it.
Whatever your growing edge, I send you Love. Each step we take on our own journey to move beyond our growing edge is a move for all of humanity. Sounds a bit lofty, but it’s true. We are all connected as a whole of society, and global transformation beings with each individual. It begins with me. I can’t change the whole world, but I can change my world. My heart is more open this evening than it was this morning, because I pushed my growing edge.
Today was a gift, as is every day. And I know I’ll sleep like a baby tonight! =)
Peace and Blessings,